I wish I could say that only sticks and stones may hurt me, and not words. But words can.
The unparalleled excitement of my published article in The New York Times’ Motherlode was soon dampened by a toxic barrage of verbal sticks and stones. I had expected it, but I still wasn’t ready for it. It’s a little easier to read anonymous insults hurled at anonymous people, than it is to read the insults hurled at my family and me.
Two days post-publication, Donor Sibling Registry founder Wendy Kramer gave me some sound advice: do not ever read comments on a media piece. I knew beforehand that reading the comments wasn’t the wisest move, but my fragile ego got the better of me. What can I say? It was my first published article, and it was the New York Times. But I’m glad I wrote the piece, and I’ll grow a thicker skin. My friends and family have been my backbone of support, and the Dibling moms have carried me.
After the initial shock wore off, I realized the negative comments are an apt affirmation of why I feel the need to write about issues related to donor conception. If you live in a relatively progressive bubble, you can selectively duck the sticks and stones. And if you don’t live in a progressive bubble, then what you face is of course so much harder. Believe me, I understand why you would duck. But, I don’t feel like ducking will help make this a better world for our children – a world where families like ours aren’t maligned for our very existence. There are too many parents of donor-conceived children who read cruel, misinformed words, and those words only serve to reinforce their fear and silence.
The words are harsh, and they do hurt. But I’d rather flush them out than say nothing. And I’d rather show parents of donor-conceived children that they can speak up. Otherwise, the bigots control the dialogue. That’s not the world I want to leave to our children.
I couldn’t agree more. What you are doing is an act of public education. People’s first reaction to change is always outrage, fear, and disgust. Reading the first part of your essay, I assumed (i.e. projected) that you were a lesbian mom. Sometimes difference is just that…difference. It made me muse how when ‘straight’ families do ‘queer’ things, you can see similarities to the narrative of ‘coming out,’ sharing, and then meeting initial resistance, followed by education and — hopefully — acceptance.
From the bottom of my heart- I thank you for your writing about Donor families, our amazing children and the mother-bond we share with the parents of our children’s half-sibs. We are 2 moms who have 2 children born from a donor who has gifted us 8 special parent/child extended families to love and support one another. Our daughter ( 21 next week) has a unique/loving relationship with 3 other teen/half sibs who live somewhat locally to us (NY,NJ,PA) One of her brothers will join her at NYU in September; she a senior and he- a freshman. They couldn’t be happier. Her brother wrote his college essay on finding his 1/2 sibs and how it “healed” him and launched him on his journey to becoming his authentic self. He was accepted with a nice scholarship. Coming out to our kids early and proudly- is healing and exciting for them. Congrats on your coming out. Again, I’m grateful for your truth! My very best.
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Hi good for you for being in contact with their brothers and sisters. Don’t listen to people who say “let that be their decision”. Can you think of another Parent that left it up to the child whether or not to know their brothers and sisters? It does not matter whether kids want to know their siblings, they just have to. Its part of raising kids that have brothers and sisters and its part of being a kid with brothers and sisters. How many kids would rather not know their sister? How many Mothers would ever let them decide something like that for themselves? So again good for you. It may seem that its not normal for them to be involved with their siblings as a family but in fact what is not normal is that they’d ever be prevented from that. I think people raising donor offspring kids get it backwards sometimes about what is normal. Plenty of kids have half brothers and sisters that live with step parents in other homes and they may like them or they may not, that is up to them but the managing of information and communicating with whoever is raising their other siblings is just something parents have to do or all those kids will be at a disadvantage.
Ideally siblings are all raised together by the same two parents who take them all to the same pediatrician and the same dentist and usually will have them go to the same school the parents manage all the information about each kid so the kids are at an advantage because the parents and doctors and teachers can recognize patterns that could help one of the kids from going through an unnecessary illness or could help get a jump on a learning disability that an older sibling had to struggle with. I guess when the siblings are split up like they are when they share a donor parent, all the people raising them have to work really hard to make sure they are not raised as if they were only children. You have 2 which is helpful but you never know if one of their siblings elsewhere is going to need info you have or vice versa. Good luck I’m sure the fact the other women are nice makes it easier to communicate regularly.
I reunite separated families for free and the DSR has been very helpful but it is still so hard for people to find their siblings or their children or their parents its not easy. Many people write that they feel OK because the donor is willing to be known when the child is 18 and they think the DSR is there if the child is ever interested in siblings. You were lucky to have some of their siblings fall in your lap so easily. I’ve literally searched years before finding someones kid, sibling parent. Its tedious work so the more you can do for them now the better it will be for them later. Knowing their family is not something they should have to work for its something, like your doing, that they should simply have growing up.
Its really nice to see that some people raising donor offspring are sensitive to what the kids loose in the process. Not everyone cares as much as you as you can see from their comments. Some of them feel invaded by the idea that their kid’s brothers and sisters might be part of their every day lives. But that is whats normal. There is nothing to be afraid of in that.